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4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.