HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.