My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.