I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
181.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster