[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
You Might Also Like
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training