Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops