her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
This is me
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.