I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”