Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.