You Might Also Like
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries