No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”