[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.