Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.