Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
For anyone who needs this today
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When I snag the last meatball.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?