Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
a badder mouse
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.