ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.