Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Word!
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.