i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
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I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny