Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I can’t stop watching this.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?