My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
vegan witches, happy halloween!