[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis