[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Left at a local drug store…
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way