Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Hard not to take this personally
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.