When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
yes yes a thousand times yes!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.