*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.