#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Smile they said.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.