[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
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I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*weighs self after shaving
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them