Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it