“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
You Might Also Like
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded