I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.