Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
A fake ID that makes you younger
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal