You Might Also Like
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR