Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Every haunted house movie:
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Who says great literature is dead?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?