Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
You Might Also Like
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I need to get some bricks…
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Breaking news:
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.