the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.