I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.