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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
fly smarter, not harder
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Sunday
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997