[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I am also baked goods
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
cat vs inanimate object
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.