[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk