Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.