My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
A roof is a house hat.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.