You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur