You are what you delete.
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
#DesignFail
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Worst perfume name ever.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?