Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Please do it!
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.