[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
The point of your 20s