I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’ve had worse
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.