If snakes were wide
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Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*