It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch