Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
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*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.