Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Clients after you give them your rates
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now